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Most of the voices in my head say I'm doing OK.
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 6,036
Casino Cash: $74166
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Friday Funnies - 20/7
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands.
“My husband’s losing his mind,” one lady said. “Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed.”
“That sounds exciting,” the other lady said.
“Exciting, hell,” the first old lady said. “The way my husband’s thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea.”
Old Lem, a hillbilly in the eastern Kentucky mountains, rides up to old Charley's front gate. The gate's about a quarter mile from Charley's house.
Seeing Charley on the front porch, Lem yells, "HEY, CHARLEY....LET'S GO FOX HUNTIN'!!"
Charley yells back, "OK, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!"
In a few minutes, Charley rides his mule down to the gate.....dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin' best.
"What did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?", asked Lem.
"FOX HUNTIN'?", asked Charley, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'LETS GO FUCK SUMPTHIN!!"
Mary: So at the end of our first date, he told me he wanted me for a friend.
Sandra: All right.
Mary: Yeah, but on the second date, he brought the friend!
Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.
Bill: Why do you say that?
Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to sex. "It's not as boring," she said.
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my mother get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
And little Johnny says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
This young lady, sitting in a wheelchair at the local city pub, said that she had to leave.
Her drinking companion, Bill, being somewhat of a noble fellow, decided that -- as her home was uphill and some streets away -- offered to push her home.
On the way home, they stopped to rest and to chat.
Full of alcoholic bravado, he remarked that she was a good looking gal and that it was too bad that, being a cripple, she probably didn't get much chance for any normal escapades.
Surprisingly, she answered quite boldly that this was not the case. In fact, she said, "If you look in the alleyway you will see a hook imbedded in the wall. If you will attach my braces to that hook, we can easily have a fine time."
No sooner said than done and they had a wonderful time.
At the end, he carefully unhooked her, placed her back in the wheelchair, and took her home.
As he was saying goodnight, her father came to the door and invited the young man in for a nightcap after he took his daughter up to bed.
When he came down, the father was so friendly and nice that Bill's conscience began to prod him. Blushing somewhat, he admitted to the father that he had "had his way" with his daughter.
The father took the statement with such good graces that Bill had to ask why he was being treated so well after doing such a dastardly thing to his daughter.
The father looked at him quite seriously and said, "I knew you were a good man the moment you came in the door. Most of her other dates leave her hanging on that damned hook!"
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, “Hey Jew. I want to buy a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.”
Abe says “OK.”
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at Abe. “Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Abe replies, “The tip of my penis is in Poland.”
The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. When he asked, "How many children do you have?" the lady replied, "Eighteen."
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"
Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"
Steven was rubbing the palm of his wife Kay during her labour contractions when he drifted off to sleep. He awoke to her hand flailing in his face. "If you don't rub my hand during my contractions, you won't be in the room for the next delivery," she threatened. Steven slapped some cold water on his face and began rubbing in earnest. Kay further warned him, "In fact, if you fall asleep again, you won't even be there for the conception."
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day."
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch" The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
A woman from France is touring in the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition.
Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, "I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush."
The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist.
He asked her if her condition was cleared up. "Why yes, eet is," she replied. "In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre's moustache---eet's also gone!"
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, “I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”
Psychiatrist, “Don’t you have a phone in your car?”
Blonde, “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”
Psychiatrist, “Uh … How’s that working?”
Blonde, “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”
Psychiatrist, “And why do you think that is?”
Blonde, “I figured it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”
A man calls his family doctor:
Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.
Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help.
Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her.
"So after a few minutes of pretty heavy making out, I asked, 'Are you ready for some oral sex now?'"
"Oh, I'll bet he jumped at that chance."
"Yeah, but he nearly jumped out of his skin when I said, 'Good! Go home and call me.'"
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town. There was a local there who gave carriage ride to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlour as I was exiting with my husband and my four-year-old daughter. Now, I'm embarrassed to say this, but this horse had an erection, and my daughter was fascinated. As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, she yelled out, "Daddy! That horse has a penis -- like you!" I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crowd seemed to be staring at me in admiration.
When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.
He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Night after night the 'contest' was held.
Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "What is the secret of your fabulous technique."
"What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails.”
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks, "Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a NSW Highway Patrol Officers funeral, a voice from inside the box screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out".
The priest smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too Late arsehole, the paperwork's already done"!!!
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
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