Most of the voices in my head say I'm doing OK.
Join Date: Feb 2007
Casino Cash: $74079
Friday Funnies - 10/8
A Doctor recently had an old patient in for his annual checkup.
How are you feeling today?" the Doctor asked.
The old man replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I'm scared!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, says, "Mr. Olderthantime, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old man's responses, "Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
Vicki was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after her recent bout with the flu and went to see her doctor. After a quick examination, he said, "You look weak and exhausted! What have you been doing? Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your meals 3 times a day, as I advised on your last visit?"
Vicki looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed, "Oh doc, I've sure been getting the first two, but on that last one, I woulda swore you said three males a day!"
"Would you like to play house with us Johnny," asked the bravest of several girls.
"Sure," replied Little Johnny. "Which one of you is going to be the madam?"
A blonde woman was on the way to winning $1,000,000 on a game show, but her final question was left for the next night.
Her husband snuck into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is, 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is, 'The head, heart and penis.'"
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer.
Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show, she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $1,000,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $1,000,000 !"
To get acquainted with his new parish, the new Priest decided to call on a new parishioner every day until he got to know most of them.
One day he selected a young widow, whose husband, according to the index card supplied him by the parish office, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith."
"You've found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That's correct Father," she replied. "He surely did. But I didn't."
The shapely topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her working clothes, but was stopped at the door by the priest.
"Miss," he said, "you can't go in like that."
"But, Father," protested the churchgoer, "I have a divine right."
"Aye, and your left isn't bad, either," the man of the cloth responded, "but you still can't enter the church without proper attire."
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."
Back in the early days of the Colonies, Captain John Smith was berating the township populace in their monthly meeting. He preaches that work isn't getting done, people are lazy and sex is becoming rampant and deviate. People have been observed having sexual relations with horses, cows, pigs, sheep, chickens. Right then, from the back of the room, comes an incredulous comment, "Chickens?"
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
Jill: What's that book you're reading?
Mary: SEX AFTER FIFTY.
Jill: Is it good?
Mary: It's terrific! And the book's not bad either.
Jill: Oh! Where did you get it?
Mary: My friend Rick gave it to me.
Jill: He gave you SEX AFTER FIFTY?
Mary: Um-hmm, and before 50 too!
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first”
Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break all sales records with his "like new" models.
A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free With Each Car."
A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a couple of preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear.
She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."
A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to shit!"
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck.
As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."
A young girl started work in the village drug store. She was very shy about
having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a
couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her
own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask
for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes"! she said, " He's got one hanging there"!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 ... he's the Window cleaner"!
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly
dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the
boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up
to three months"