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Old 05-01-2017, 10:31 AM   #1
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+43
Tag New Joke Recent Quips from Late Night - April - 2017

April 19, 2017

"Fox News announced that Bill O'Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, 'Welcome aboard!'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"President Trump gave a speech in Wisconsin yesterday — he actually spoke in front of a giant flag made out of wrenches. When he heard he'd be speaking in front of a bunch of tools, he said, 'My Cabinet's gonna be there?'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he'll keep costs down with his secret business trick called 'not paying for stuff.'" –Conan O'Brien
.
"Bill O'Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O'Reilly violated Fox News's strict 11-woman limit." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Fox News fired Bill O'Reilly. The head of Fox News said, 'There's only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women, and that's the White House.'" –Conan O'Brien
.
"Bill O'Reilly is vacationing in Italy, and yesterday he was spotted at the Vatican, shaking hands with Pope Francis. Man, O'Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Bill O'Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It's not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room." –Stephen Colbert
.
"Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O'Reilly's dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns." –Stephen Colbert
.
"They celebrated O'Reilly's career, saying, 'By ratings standards, Bill O'Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.' By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage." –Stephen Colbert
.
"Huge election last night in Georgia's 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what's called a 'jungle primary,' because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism." –Stephen Colbert
.
"Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works?" –Stephen Colbert
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:32 PM   #2
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So many political hijinks.
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Old 05-08-2017, 10:25 AM   #3
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+20
Smile April 20, 2017

"Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they're more commonly known, 'The redneck Holy Trinity.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, 'Keep an eye on your father.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn't make it." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of 'Cops' broke out." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a 'super mighty preemptive strike.' When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, 'Trust me, I wouldn't worry about it.'" –Conan O'Brien
.
"Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House." –Jimmy Kimmel
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Old 05-08-2017, 03:32 PM   #4
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Cops.
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Old 05-12-2017, 11:29 AM   #5
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+10
Smile April 24, 2017

"This weekend was the big march for science. And there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump's policies on endangered species. Trump was like, 'I love endangered species. That's why I refuse to drink the new unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Environmental activists say that Trump's border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, 'No problem. We'll just tunnel under it like everyone else.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Trump says now the wall will cost less than $10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it 'super-duper.' And taxpayers said, 'Wait a second. You never said it could be super-duper.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won't let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Saturday marks President Trump's first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump's 'honeymoon' phase. Which may account for that feeling that we're being repeatedly screwed." –Conan O'Brien
.
"In a new interview, President Trump said he is 'mostly there' on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump, 'Look, at this point, I've already accomplished 95 days.'" –Seth Meyers
.
"This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump, 'So ... anybody wanna be president?'" –Seth Meyers
.
"Friday is Day 99 of the Trump administration, and we may have a government shutdown if Congress does not pass a budget. Trump is so desperate to have something to show for his first 100 days that he just threw in funding for the border wall, which may kill the bill and make the U.S. financially insolvent. So, Trump really is running the country like one of his businesses. " –Stephen Colbert
.
"Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said, 'I'm not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.' It's true. You can't tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer — it's like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust." –Stephen Colbert
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Old 05-13-2017, 01:24 AM   #6
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Super duper.
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Old 05-15-2017, 11:49 AM   #7
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+20
Smile April 25, 2017

"President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Trump is asking Congress to fund his border wall, and there might be a government shutdown if they don't. Or as Trump put it, 'Hear that? The wall hasn't even been built, and it's already a HUGE obstacle.' Amazing how quickly that happened! Bigly!" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Trump hasn't visited a single foreign country in his first 100 days, while Obama had visited nine. And today, Trump was like, 'Quick, take me to Epcot! I need to bang out 10 countries ASAP.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"The U.S. State Department has hired a female anchor from Fox News. However, the State Department described it as 'more of a rescue mission.'" –Conan O'Brien
.
"Top Republicans are now saying that Trump's border wall doesn't mean an actual wall, but a metaphor. Which makes sense, because during the campaign all those Trump supporters were shouting 'build the metaphor, build the metaphor!'" –Conan O'Brien
.
"Ivanka Trump was booed in Germany. Apparently she told the people of Berlin, 'Why would you get rid of a perfectly good wall?'" –Conan O'Brien
.
"In Germany, Ivanka Trump told a crowd that her father is a 'champion of supporting families' and she got booed. Ivanka said she was surprised; she has always been told to open with a joke." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka Trump, was booed at a women's entrepreneurship summit in Germany on Tuesday when she described her father as 'a tremendous champion of supporting families.' You know you're on the wrong side of history when Germany's booing you." –James Corden
.
"President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum's National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration." –Seth Meyers
.
"It was reported that President Trump spoke today at the Holocaust Museum, though Steve Bannon denies it." –Seth Meyers
.
"Since becoming president, Donald Trump has not left the country — he's barely left the country club. But today, Trump sent Ivanka to Berlin to participate in a women's conference, making her the first Trump to attend a women's conference that didn't include a swimsuit competition." –Stephen Colbert
.
"Ivanka spoke on a panel titled 'Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women's Entrepreneurship.' And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women — to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room." –Stephen Colbert
.
"When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that's not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That's why he's always leaving one and starting another. " –Stephen Colbert
.
"Stateside, they've had trouble moving Ivanka's line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That's how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program." –Stephen Colbert
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Old 05-15-2017, 03:25 PM   #8
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150 million people.
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Old 05-17-2017, 11:23 AM   #9
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+20
Smile April 26, 2017

"I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old today! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"They celebrated like they always do: making sure Donald has something to unwrap too, so he doesn't feel left out." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"I read that the Republicans' spending package does not include any money for Trump's border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, 'Get me the CEO of Lego.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"Chris Christie says that he'd give Trump a 'B' on his first 100 days. Then said he'd give him an 'A' on immigration, and a 'C' on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling 'bacon.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That's right, one guy who could've been president — and Jeb Bush." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election." –Conan O'Brien
.
"President Trump is considering opening federal park land to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon." –Conan O'Brien
.
"Today President Trump tweeted, 'Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!' And this is historic — it's the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant." –Conan O'Brien
.
"The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT'S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God!" –James Corden
.
"Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, 'Wait, you pay your workers?'" –James Corden
.
"President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it's pretty much the same as his old plan: He's not gonna pay them." –Seth Meyers
.
"President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I'm guessing Trump wanted to trade ... faces?" –Seth Meyers
.
"According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing." –Seth Meyers
.
"Today was first lady Melania Trump's birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for." –Seth Meyers
.
"Big news out of Washington, D.C., just this afternoon, as the White House finally released Trump's tax plan. That plan? Never release Trump's taxes." –Stephen Colbert
.
"The Trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. 'In 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions. Today, the basic 1040 form has 79 lines and 211 pages of instructions.' 1935 was the height of the Great Depression, so the two-page form was just 'Page 1: Do you have money? Yes or no.' And page 2 was so you would have something to eat." –Stephen Colbert
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Old 05-17-2017, 04:51 PM   #10
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Lego.
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Old 05-19-2017, 11:11 AM   #11
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+10
Smile April 27, 2017

"The White House invited reporters to bring their kids with them this morning for Take Your Kids to Work Day. Or as Trump calls it, every day." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"It was really sweet. Trump asked the kids what they want to be when they grew up, and then they asked Trump what he wants to be when he grows up." –Jimmy Fallon
.
"There's a lot going on in Washington right now — Trump is working on a new budget, tax reform, healthcare, trade. So to make sure he doesn't forget anything he actually likes to set reminders on his phone. For example, he has this one reminder that says, 'Play Tetris to practice building the wall.'" –Jimmy Fallon
.
"After alluding to a big tax reform announcement earlier this week, the White House finally released their tax plan and it was only a one-page-long document with very little information. It was a one-page memo — even Rachel Maddow was like, 'This is a huge disappointment.'" –James Corden
.
"The White House promised a big announcement. But keep in mind, even a one-page document looks very big in Donald Trump's tiny hands." –James Corden
.
"According to a new CNN poll, 44 percent of Americans approve of the job President Trump is doing as he approaches his 100th day in office. While the other 56 percent said, 'It's only been 100 days?!'" –Seth Meyers
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Old 05-19-2017, 03:02 PM   #12
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