Friday Funnies - 6/7

[ASHSON]

The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand. "I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his own legs!"



Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they would discover she has been all along, and they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, here is a checklist to help you.
1.In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!", she was faking it.
2.If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3.A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmm, you were wonderful, baby", she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!", she isn't.

However, if she says, "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.




Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.




A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, here it is on the screen, it says: ‘Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.'”





I was driving the other day and crashed through a hedge coming to rest on the lawn.

The guy on the lawn chair helped me out of the car.

"My goodness," he exclaimed, "you're kinda old to be driving!"

"Yes, I replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license."

"What... NO LICENSE?"

"Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket and said, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left."







A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink and sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything.
By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"




Paddy and Mick were on the diving team to go down to the wreck of the Titanic. On surfacing the TV news reporters asked them what impressed them most.
'Well lads' said Paddy, 'you'll never believe it, but after all these years the top deck swimming pool is still full!"





Tony's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing.
Apparently ... "Warming up your breakfast"… wasn’t the right answer!







I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works or not . . .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

[Nunbrew]

Thx for all the jokes...LOL

[Willard McBain]

Ought to be beat for that last one!

[jim gatton]

Most of these are very good. Thanks.